My Relationship Status

It seems fitting the story of our engagement would be the 1st the 2nd post in this series…but for some reason it overwhelms me. I find it daunting recalling those thoughts and emotions, afraid I won’t do the story justice. When I am writing about something highly emotional, and then re-read what I have written, the words usually do not carry the weight I expected. SO! I will write about something a little lighter: the word “fiancé.” AKA my relationship status.

I feel like an idiot saying it.

I much prefer saying “boyfriend,” or “husband,” or “the guy who got me this diamond ring.” And I have had to use the word quite a bit recently because I have started a new job…which means no one knows who the hell CMO is…which means I have to refer to him at some point as my fiancé.

Ugh.

Do I hate it because fiancé.com is a Russian bride warehouse?

Or because Elaine Benes (one of my comedy icons) mocks a woman for over-using the word?

Probably has something to do with thinking it says finance at first glance.

;

Melissa Joan Hart isn’t helping, that’s for sure.

Urban Dictionary defines fiancée (ME) as: “Long-term girlfriend. In White Trash culture, fiancée no longer means “the woman I will marry on a specific date” but instead is simply a level of relationship status above that of “girlfriend.” ALSO, “Undesirable low-class female. Usually profane and/or heavily drunk in a social situation.”

How does CMO feel about referring to me his fiancée to strangers and friends…? Loves it.

I have been feeling a little itch, a little prod, a little ache recently to get back in gear and make some things public. Some very important things like: how CMO popped the question, my feelings on the word fiance, and what I plan to wear for engagement photos, for example. I have been keeping a list of opinions/ideas surrounding the hub bub of an upcoming-wedding-lifelong-commitment, and my hope is to share those as we count down to wedding day. Of course this means I must diligently write…for the next YEAR!

–PRE-ENGAGEMENT CRAZY–

It’s my assumption that most women think about their future wedding before it is even a true possibility…right? I had some ideas, but I began to give it serious thought once the right guy came around. Then, I got [secretly] excited. This was also about the time I learned of Pinterest: double whammy. I was on overload.

Although CMO and I had both expressed our intentions to each other (to stay togetherforever), I felt embarrassed not being engaged, but pouring over wedding blogs and pinning like a crazy bride-to-be. I was obsessed! I would purposely have Facebook up on a 2nd internet tab, so I could quickly click away from Style Me Pretty as needed.

I think my embarrassment rooted from past heartbreak and simply my nature. I didn’t want to be presumptuous and assuming. I couldn’t truly take his word for it that he was going to marry me, even though he told me frequently and it had been discussed many times. These feelings had nothing to do with CMO, they were simply my insecurities about relationships in general. I just didn’t want to get my hopes up too high, even though I was secretly so excited to have found my life-long partner/friend/love. So, when he would look over at me fixated on my laptop screen, and ask, “what are you looking at?” I would answer, “nothing!”

He knew what I was looking at, and he liked it. He told me so.

 

 

Focus = Reality

“Your focus determines your reality.”

A few-ish years ago, an ex-boyfriend and I attended a 4 week meditation class, and that’s where I first heard the above quote. I think…well maybe not, but for some reason I associate the two. I certainly didn’t learn how to meditate. My mind ran wild.
 
“Take your mind to a quiet place, a peaceful place, where no one else is around…”
 
“Ahhh, beautiful mountains and it’s the perfect temperature…After this, I’m going to Target and getting mascara, detergent and cat food…a stream quietly bubbling along…I wonder where everyone else’s secret peaceful places are…I wonder if there are any creepy ones!“

The other important part about the focus quote was to be sure not to divide your focus among too many goals. Reason being, your attention (focus) is split many ways, therefore you are not staying focused on much of anything. And, possibly not reaching any of your goals.

Considering my ubiquitous nature, this is a problem for me. I like to have many projects and many goals in the works simultaneously. For example, right now I am writing this, searching for a graphic to pair with it, starting homework, checking e-mail, and perusing Pinterest. (I just imagined life without internet browser tabs!!! Yikes). All while going back and forth between sipping iced coffee and water. So, how do I ensure my goals get accomplished? What are my current goals? Have I met any previous goals?

Well, I found something in my phone I wrote on January 2nd 2012, apparently making a late attempt at New Year’s Resolutions that were never publicized…let’s review:

☐ Buy bras that fit (how about just lose weight?)
☐ Decorate for the season (does taking down Christmas stuff count?)
☐ Complete a sewing project (this makes me sad)
☐ Host another craft night (I want someone else to host it)
☐ Buy a denim shirt (seriously?! How this didn’t happen I have no idea)

✔ Cook one new recipe per month!
✔ Have a yard sale!
✔ Make exercise a habit!
✔ Read Hunger Games!
✔ Become a green tea drinker!
✔ Clean out kitchen cupboards!

Not bad. Not bad at all. And I’m not to the halfway point of the year yet, so there’s still time for the unchecked items to be completed. If I still care about the unchecked items. Was my focus too divided? I think I just created the list and then never looked at it again. Which is both good and bad: I didn’t stay focused, but still got stuff done! So my current goals/focus include:

☐ Create and follow a financial plan to move to Denver
☐ Keep my exercise habit
☐ Buy a denim shirt – on sale
☐ Sew something! And then sew something again…
☐ Get A’s in my last two Master’s classes

 

 

Boot camp finished this week! It was a really great experience, and I was hemming and hawing about what to do next exercise-wise so I don’t lose momentum. Luckily, another Groupon came out for a different boot camp! I am signed up to get started after Memorial Day. The only difference…it’s from 5:30-6:30 in the morning!!! I am slightly concerned about my strength at this hour, but figure I’ll get used to it…

I have always known I’m a fast eater, something that CMO and I are pleased we have in common. However, I know that it causes me to overeat. So, I came up with the idea to split my meal in half, eat half and then set a timer for 10 minutes before eating the rest. It’s working. When I remember.

Also this week, my Tri Delta friend Ashley Allan had the fabulous idea of creating a women that inspire week on her blog. She asked 5 blogging buddies to write a guest post for each day, and I was featured Friday. My post certainly didn’t turn out how I expected it to! It was a really neat experience to get to know some of these women whom I had never met, and read about their inspirations. My post is here.

A couple weeks ago I updated my “About” page…didn’t realize how sad it was. Read it if you want. (Thank you Molly for the FAQ idea!).

And, in the middle of much busy-ness at work, I discovered a blog that is entertaining/addicting/inspiring. I am always amazed by those who have the courage to put it all out there on the web, and this woman does just that. She is semi-famous (I think, I need to do more reading), and she talks about her move from NYC to L.A.. She also goes into detail about her failed marriage, and life after divorce. For some reason I love reading about people’s feelings during a break up and their healing…anyway, her blog is here. I included it in my Links to the right and added a few others too.

Oh! And this whole long maxi skirt thing I am seeing everywhere; obsessed.

Ingredient #4

I just got home from boot camp, and walked to an empty house (!!!). Well, a dog was here, but no basketball-watching-video-game-playing CMO to be found.

Just…silence….ahhhhhh!

My happiness Ingredient #4 is Alone Time. I need it. Sometimes, I just need to not answer questions, be looked at, talked to, or hear sports sounds I don’t wanna hear. Cruising around the house room to room, followed by a dog, and doing as I please is divine. I can start as many projects as I want to, not finish any of them, and then sit down to watch three episodes of Say Yes To The Dress! Also, this is the time I find I’m most creative. Being free of distraction my mind doesn’t run into roadblocks and is able to wander and generate ideas. It is excellent.

But, after about 3 hours, I’m over it and ready for CMO to walk in that door, bang around the kitchen, and turn on the TV. Part of what I love about the Alone Time, is knowing that he is coming back. Alone Time is so great because it is limited; I love working with a deadline! Remember that episode of Sex and the City when Carrie and Aidan start living together in her tiny apartment and he bombards her with questions right when she walks in the door? She gets all crazy/claustrophobic and says, “I can’t talk to you for an hour,” closes her see-through curtains and sits on the bed. And then one minute later she’s back out chatting with him (and by the way he could still see you through those curtains). It’s like that. I just need a little bit.

 

Ingredient #3

Holy hell I’m acting like a B today. Well, I have semi-decent acting skills, so maybe no one has noticed, but I just feel mean. I don’t want to chat or even hear other people for fear I may be drug into a conversation. Making phone calls are a serious internal argument today. And I’m pretty sure I know what this has to do with…lack of sleep and food.

There have been several days in a row of late nights, followed by early mornings, and it has caught up. I just get too full of ideas/motivation/excitement/puppy play time and want to STAY UP!! CMO and I were talking last night that we had started going to bed so early (9pm) after Country Thunder because we 150% exhausted, and it felt soooo good. Whelp those days are over, and we’re back on the old stay up late like an idiot schedule.

Have you ever slept the perfect amount of time and wake up feeling already caffeinated by a grande latte? Those days are about twice a month for me.

My food intake is pretty consistent day-to-day, but things get dicey when I don’t have the correct amount of snacks to bring to work. This is because I’m a farmer not a hunter. Historically, farmers had a plentiful supply of food so were able to eat many small meals throughout the day, while hunters went many hours until their food was caught and ready to eat. CMO is a hunter and I just don’t get it. He can go several hours in the morning without having to eat anything, but tummy wakes up rumbling sometimes! Weirdo.

These vending machine Gardettos are not cutting it! Time for lunch!

If You Are Wondering

I drank about three glasses of wine on Tuesday in preparation for the Owen/Ackley parent meet and greet.

It went great! We dined at the Thirsty Lion, which replaced Maria Maria at Tempe Marketplace not too long ago. I highly recommend, it is delish! My favorite items I have had: apple cider on tap, the nachos (it’s not too big), beer cheese pub soup (wanted to eat leftovers for breakfast) and the goat cheese and…something salad. Very good.

For the event, I wore a bright orange adult Ann Taylor Loft top, with kid American Eagle jean shorts. I recently discovered I can still shop at AE and I wasn’t the oldest person in there. Satisfaction.

Much to my and CMO’s relief and surprise, we were not discussed nearly as much as the other children. Oh those other children. Everyone got along splendidly and had much to chat about. We did it!

And for those of you who contacted me swearing up and down it would be FINE…you were right.

Ingredient #2

It was brought to my attention after yesterday’s post that there may be some concern about my overall happiness…no need for worry! I am just trying to pinpoint things that are in my control, make me feel wonderful, and then making a point to do those things more often. Result = feeling happier.

So onto ingredient #2: Work Ethic. Let’s being with some inspiration…

“The person who is waiting for something to turn up might start with their shirt sleeves.” ~Garth Henrichs

Thank you Garth. Two months ago today I was in a meeting at work where our new director, who was supposed to make a quick presentation, ended up talking the entire hour. It was excellent. He told a story about a man (we’ll call him Vince) who used to be with the company. Vince’s goal was to earn his degree in accounting, and then promptly transition into that profession upon graduation. This kind of behavior is welcomed and encouraged at University of Phoenix; it is understood that some people do work here to benefit from a discounted education and move onto other things. However, this particular man had a terrible attitude. Vince wasn’t pleasant, didn’t network, or provide good customer service either internally or externally. He ended up getting hired on at an accounting firm, but that did not last long. Vince did not have work ethic. He assumed that once he was in the “right” place, he would all of a sudden become a star employee. Someone who went the extra mile, made friends around the office and provided stellar service. But Vince never practiced any of these skills, so when it came time to put in some hard work and show his stuff, he didn’t have what it took.

***Light bulb moment!***

Even if I am not at my dream job now, I still have the opportunity to fine tune my skills. Work ethic isn’t something I can just turn on when I find myself in a preferred situation, it must be practiced. Also, hoping that my situation will change, and focusing on others who are receiving things I want, doesn’t do any good. No matter if my goal is to get promoted, or find a new position, continuing to roll up my shirt sleeves and dig in is crucial. Do you agree?

Side note: CMO and my parents are meeting for the first time tonight…yikes! We are nervous.

Ingredient #1

In light of the below changes, I have been putting in some serious thought on how to feel happier. What are things, in my control, that I can do knowing they make me happy, delighted, lively and upbeat? I wanted to identify those actions and make a point to do them, reaping the gleeful benefit.

So, I started taking boot camp classes. It was a Groupon for 4 weeks of classes, three times per week, meant to whip you into serious shape. Luckily I didn’t think…I just clicked “purchase NOW!” And then, all of a sudden I was signed up to start on April 23rd. Oh shit. Day 1 was mostly scary because I didn’t know where I was going, or what to expect, plus I didn’t have a buddy like most everyone in class (*hint*). Our…sergeant doesn’t yell at us, but she is certainly serious business; I like it. It’s kind of like being on a sports team; I have never willingly been on a sports team. But there are about 100 mini soccer players at practice nearby while we do our walking lunges, so that pushes the team feeling even more.

Walking away from our workout spot, feels really good. It’s a sense of accomplishment, fulfillment and team work all at once! On the first day, our sergeant (she really calls herself Christina) asked each of us to tell her a goal we would like to achieve during the 4 weeks. I didn’t want anything too…definite, such as, “lose 5 pounds!!!” No thank you. What if I don’t make it?! Auto failure. I knew I would be called on first, so I had to get it together, quick.

I kept it more ambiguous… “My name is Elisa, and my goal is to make exercise a habit.”

“Oh! I like it! Good one!” said Christina. (Teacher’s pet status).

So if exercise is a part of my recipe, why doesn’t it happen more often? Probably because driving to Sonic for a strawberry slush just sounds like more fun. But afterwards, where is the feeling of walking on air? It doesn’t exist. Exercise is in my control, and it in turn controls my mood. So ingredient number one is creating a habit of exercise…

Something Happened

A couple Tuesdays ago, something happened. I was sent a rejection letter. A letter that said, “we are moving forward with other candidates.” Others? Like…who? How could I not be chosen? How could I not be rewarded? I have given a lot of effort, and ideas, and positivity. But some person, who has no idea who I am, gets to decide. Seems to be a broken system if you ask me.

This news was a shock and a reality check. Let’s say I had been chosen, how would I be feeling? I would think, “hey, I’m on the right track here! Keep doing what you’re doing. Keep thinking how you’re thinking. No need to refresh or revamp.” I’m grateful those are not my thoughts. I have this opportunity now to change some things. Redefine what success and happiness means to me. So that’s what I’m trying to figure out right now, by not being still.